Sunday, October 12, 2008

Tim's Car

Last Saturday morning, I was excited about my hair appointment! What a treat in this world of boys. Aren't hair appointments the best? I feel like a total queen. I think it is more therapy than anything... very expensive therapy... highway robbery, actually... but for the 1 hour I am there it is so worth it. But anyway, let me back up.
Tim has wanted a sports car since we have been married because our van is just plain NASTY... *defiled* may be a better word and he has a pick-up truck that he uses for maintenance of his commercial building. Both are very functional but not very fun. So, after 1 million hours of looking at cars on ebay, he took the plunge and bought himself a sleek new ride a year ago. He loves it. He tries not to idolize it but when the boys' bike handles slide down the sides of it, we all know by the color of his face that he might like it more than us. I don't like to drive it because I worry I will wreck it or pull up too far on a curb and Tim will come jumping out of the bushes.
One of the last times I drove it, I was driving to the airport to catch a plane when it started beeping and flashing and telling me the the tire pressure was out of wack and that I had to pull over immediately and go to the dealership. I almost missed my plane for them to tell me the back tires were slightly over their limits. It was VERY annoying. But I made my plane and no big deal.
Saturday was different...
I decided to take Tim's car to get the full pampering affect on my morning away. I leave Tim in charge of the boys and slip away into the sunset on the way to the Salon. When I am about 1/2 way there, enjoying my solitude and peace and quiet, it starts. BEEPING! FLASHING! Huge exclamation points saying WARNING, WARNING. Limited mobility issues!!! Overdrive hindered! WARNING!! Brakes worn down to dangerous levels!! Go immediately to dealership!
WARNING! Exclamation point! Proceed with Caution!! Brakes going in to lock-mode!! WARNING!
Everything is flashing and I am sweating and wondering why his car hates me. I get my phone out to call Tim and my battery is dead. I am starting to wonder if I am IN the Christine horror movie. Next, (I am not making this up) it starts showing me a picture of a car flipping over. huh???? Why is it doing this to me? Does it mean that it is about flip me over if I don't pull over immediately? Is it going to flip me over because of the one time I did pull up too far on the curb? I am bracing the steering wheel with all my might while my armpits are starting to sweat. It continues, WARNING!! BRAKES! STEERING! Exclamation Point! CAUTION!
I decided I was going to make it to the salon whether it flipped me over or not. I wondered if
EJECTING DRIVER was coming next because I was ignoring it. I figured out at this point that it is me against it and I was going to win. I am hanging on tight just in case it ejects me or flips me, but I am going to get a trim even if I am on a stretcher!!!! The MPH is jumping all around even though I am going the same speed. I am telling you... it is possessed. I finally make it to the salon. I am so thankful to be there.
Tim came and got me because I refuse to drive it anymore.
He drove it to the dealership... nothing.
The dealership checks it out and... nothing.
That's it. It is war.
On a totally different note, I have decided I want to be Amish. Tim thinks this is really funny.
I don't want to be dependent anymore so I am ready to cut the cord from dependency. But, it won't be Amish like you think.It will be the "New Amish". Stylish, trendy outfits and not so much of the whole working in the field thing. Just fresh veggies and good quality family time. And we get to live with all of our friends! I am still not sure how the whole thing will play out but is anyone interested?
In the mean time, I have decided that any money I spend shopping is actually helping the economy so it makes me feel patriotic. If I don't help stimulate the economy by shopping at Baby Gap, who will?
Right, honey?


Angela said...

Oh my gosh. I have been checking your blog over and over for a couple of hours. I knew you couldn't resist updating it. Hee hee

And it was totally worth it! I was rolling with laughter b/c I could see the whole thing. The funny thing is that Matthew spent a gazillion (no kidding) hours on eBay and dealerships' websites about a year ago and bought a BMW, too. The one he'd *always* wanted. The 740iL. The last year they made that particular model--2001. In black. He drove seven hours one Saturday to trade in his 1997 Honda Accord (plus some change) for it. He L-O-V-E-D it. For about six months. And then he drove another six or seven hours somewhere else to trade it in for a 2007....wait for it...wait for it...Honda Accord. You can take the man out of the practical but you can't take the practical out of the man. That slightly-early-midlife-crisis was just too expensive for upkeep.

Anyway, I must tell you. I read your comment on my blog tonight that you saw Andrew at church. I approached Matthew, and here is how the conversation went:

"Babe, did you know that Tim and Stephanie were at church tonight?"
"Yeah, I saw them."
"OH! Did you talk to them? Did you tell them thanks SO much for the awesome bag?"
"No, I didn't. We just talked about how they drove back from Nashville today."
"Hmm...oh. Well, she mentioned seeing Andrew. Was he with you when you were talking to them?"
"Yeah, he was standing right there."
"BABE! You should've said, 'Hey, Andrew, these are the nice people who gave you that cookie!'"
"Oh, yeah, I should have."

ARGGGG!!! MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, our taste buds died and went to heaven tonight when we ate some of your homemade strawberry jam. That stuff is so good that my chocolate milk didn't even taste sweet anymore. And I put a lot of Hershey's Special Dark syrup in that milk. :)

Sandi said...


Brandon, Hunter and I all loved the post tonight. We all needed a good laugh. I am so sorry about your day:) lol I hate those stupid computerized cars too!

maryanne420 said...


i meant to comment on your last post. i'm glad that you're feeling better! this is one hilarious post! i'm so with you on the shopping! that's one of my "patriotic acts". i'm just thankful that there's so many sample sales here in los angeles. i just came from anthropologies' sample sale and i got so much stuff for a great deal! can you tell i get all giddy when it comes to shopping? if you ever plan to come out here, let me know so i can give you tips on where to shop!

AG said...

Too Funny Girl :)

Tim jumping out from behind the bushes scenario was the most funny!!

Almost as funny as the boy in the Arcade on Friday :)

I want to be Amish too,but I don't think they let you leave to shop at Baby Gap!!!!

Leah said...

This is too funny!! I would be freiking out in the car, thinking I was about to blow up or something!!!
As for the Amish, Bryan has talked about that for years! He would LOVE to do this! But he wants the garden, the cows, the whole deal,, just not the "weirdness":-) He still want's the cars, and tracktors, and I of course, am not about to start spinning our own cotton! LOL! said...

I will live in the stylish Amish cabin right next to you. Our lab Mosby is almost big enough to pull a wagon- at least one for all of our kids. And I can't make my own clothes, but I can at least cut up all the size 2's that are STILL in my closet, and make them into a dress that actually FITS! Be there soon!!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! You know when your car starts showing video of you flipping over in the car that it's out to get you. You need to name the car "Derbie" -- Herbie evil cousin. haha

Anonymous said...

oh steph! that is crazy, hilarious, and absurd! why does the car behave for tim and not you? it's a game of wits, and you must win!

As for stimulating the economy, I love to do so at Target...and I've been feeling rather patriotic, too :)

Anonymous said...

So funny about the whole Amish thing. I grew up in Montezuma Georgia where there is a huge Mennonite community. My dad was the local banker so I would go with him often to call on those Amish customers, some of whom became good friends of his. I loved going to their farms! One lady even made my sister and me Amish dresses for us to where when we played there. Imagine my mom's surprise when she came to pick us up one day and we were changed out of our jeans and shirts and had on those dresses! Such sweet people! They even had the equivalent of an uprising when I was a teenager and some of the girls got braces and wore a little makeup and went to the regular high school and on to college. The Amish school ended at 8th grade and many married then and started having babies in their late teens. A totally different world from the one in which I grew up!

LeslieTummel said...

hilarious! soooo glad i can have another blog to stalk...looking forward to meeting you soon!

p.s. your boys are! :)