Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Me. The real me.

This picture reminds me of the real me on a daily basis caring for my boys and realizing God's calling on my life.
Angie Smith's post ministered to me SO much as I am dealing with similar issues these days thanks to my commenting friend (who really dislikes me).
Her name is "Anonymous". I have come to love her because she constantly makes me evaluate myself and search my heart by her mean comments.
I hope I never come across as she sees me...self-seeking, a liar, judgemental and fake. I don't want to be that girl. I am just a girl who wants to love Jesus with all her heart but struggle everyday to do that. How He can use me, I have no idea. I am VERY perplexed by how God can use me knowing all that He does about me. There are no secret sins with God. I found that out the hard way early in my walk with the Lord. I don't have secrets now because separation from God is unbearable for me. I need Him every minute of every day and don't want things in my life that distance me from His Love and His Voice.
I have opened my life wide-open on this public blog and I guess there is a price to pay for that. I don't want to go private.
Not that I am sinless and perfect... My house is a mess. My boys are nuts. I look TERRIBLE without makeup. I have screamed at God about my suffering. Tim and I have an awful fight about once a year where we break all the rules and hurt each other purposely. I am addicted to Junior Mints. I gave my frame money to my amazing friends in Ethiopia and then REALLY wished I hadn't when I was at the outlets last weekend. I neglect God's Word. I envy other people's health and ability to have babies. I have cellulite on my legs...
I don't want to be a phony.
My story: Jesus relentlessly pursued me until I accepted His love in college and He changed my life. Anything good in my life is from Him and through Him.
I am, however, determined to be USED by Him to reach people with the love He has shown me.
"Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."
Psalm 115:1
"Lord, You know the greatest goal to which I can aspire is to be used by You. But deep in my heart of hearts, do I really want You to use me, or do I just want to use You? Who gets the credit when You move through my life? When I speak healing words to someone, or when I reach out to the needy, do they glorify You or me? Am I willing to be unknown, unappreciated, unrecognized? Is my need for human approval greater than my desire to see You praised? Lord, have mercy on me. Don't let me squander the eternal rewards of heaven on the fleeting accolades of men. May all that I do be for the praise and honor of Your name."
Prayer from my Worship Bible this morning


Erin Southwell said...

Oh Steph, I hate that you are continuing to be hurt!! I would say the same thing that I said to Angie when I read her post several days ago-it is the authenticity of a real person, an in-betweener, who makes the best disciple by being relatable and drawing others in; that is what drew me to your blog in the first place; and I'm sure hundreds of others can say the same thing. I love you! Thank you for being a witness to me, friend. I am incredibly proud to know you.

P.s. Kick the devil in the teeth and turn off anonymous commenting :)

Adrienne said...

I was so moved by her post too Steph! God recognizes that we are not perfect, and we ONLY answer to HIM, the only one that "anonymous" will answer to too. Praise Him for that!

Emily Geyer said...

I'm addicted to Junior Mints too.

Thanks for being so transparent.

Anonymous said...

Hey Steph,
I didn't read the comment because I couldn't find it but I am so sorry you are getting hurt. I love your blog and read it almost daily. You are such an inspiration to me in my faith. You know how I struggle and you just keep reminding me of HIS LOVE THAT NEVER GOES AWAY NO MATTER WHAT. Keep your head high and keep on trucking, girlfriend.

Andrew and Carter's Mom said...

If someone as skinny as you can have cellulite then there's really no need in me thinking mine is because I'm too fate!!! Love you Steph and I wish I could kick anonymous' butt for you. These blog haters need to find something better to do. Oh, and I've seen you without makeup and you're still beautiful! I'm proud of the way you're handling this.

Trinity said...

I too envy those that are healthy and can have babies easily. Brooklynn has started asking for a baby brother. Breaks my heart we can't give her one.

kelly said...

Hi Stephanie,
It is only because of you showing how much you love the Lord, and drawing others close to Him, that you would be persecuted in the form of cruelty. Your light shines so bright for Him that it must be blinding for someone who is not walking in the same light!For every mean person, there are too many people to count, who are clinging to your every word, people who want the peace you have in your life. I know for myself, every time I read your blog, I leave it having learned some beautiful treasures, or gems that I want to apply to my own walk with the Lord! I have said this before, but truly, truly you are a gift to me, and I treausre your willingness to be real in your writings. The Lord has spoken to me thru you so many times, and you are sharing His love everytime you write!Your words always bring Him glory,and show us His Agape love! Psalm 35: 1 says "Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me: fight against those who fight against me!" Isn't is awesome that the battle belongs to the Lord!!
Just know you are loved and cherished!
Proverbs 17:17 " A friend loves at all times"
P.s. I need to learn how to not write so long on a post...maybe some self control would be in order!:)

BethAnne said...

If this person dislikes you so much, why does she/he continue to comment? You just keep on witnessing and being real and let the Lord speak to him/her through your words.
I am with you on the comment thing - I get over 400 hits per day and the comments are minimal.....what is up with that?

HennHouse said...

Oh that anonymous, she sure make the rounds, doesn't she. Just keep doing what God has called you to do. And that is really only between you and God anyway. You're just generous enough to share it. Bless you for that.

Lynné said...

Hey Stephanie!

I love reading your blog because you aren't afraid to tell us what you are struggling with, and not trying to pretend you are something that you are not.

You are handling the "haters" very well! I only hope that if I were in the same situation, I could take a deep breath and hear God instead of my rage.

Keep doing your thing girl!


Suzanne said...

I have told you what a blessing your blog has become for me. Anyone seeking to draw nearer to God can see your transparency and geniune love of our Savior. Satan doesn't attack those who are not producing fruit. Keep bearing fruit for the Lord. Your words are guiding me back to the light. Continue to light the way for others. I will pray that you and your family will be truly blessed.

You have opended this almost middle age lady up to a whole new wayh to minister. I thought I was a little technical, and I have realized I have been under a rock. It's nice to be enlightened.
Suzanne Perry

Erin Cabell said...

i am encouraged by you daily, steph. i hope that you continue to share your life with the rest of the world. it gives me hope of survival in the midst of raising crazy boys, it encourages me to be a better wife to my very deserving husband, it pushes me to open my bible when i just want to close my eyes, and it reminds me to be thankful for what i have and give to those who are in need. stay strong in what you do and what you believe for you are helping others to seek the Lord and grow within themselves! i am thankful that our paths crossed on the beach last fall and feel that God had a plan for that to happen! - erin

Julie said...

Oh Steph - I'm sorry that keeps happening to you!! Hang in there, sweetie - you are just fine! I love reading our posts and learning more about how to grow my relationship with Lord...my husband...my children.

You also take great pictures and crack me up!!! I love Junior Mints, too!!!

Hugs and prayers!
Julie :)

Mary T said...

You KNOW you are doing things right for God when you have hate thrown at you, Steph. Matt 10:32.

Your testimony will surely be attacked because it is so powerful but know you are surrounded with love and prayers for your protection against it.

Mary T said...

You KNOW you are doing things right for God when you have hate thrown at you, Steph. Matt 10:32.

Your testimony will surely be attacked because it is so powerful but know you are surrounded with love and prayers for your protection against it.

Mary T said...

PS: I love that haircut! I want it----and the jawline. Oh, to have a young jawline again. : )