Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Seek Peace and Pursue It

Wow. I don't even know where to start. 
These last few weeks have been hard.
We went to the beach for Labor Day and Lake woke up with croup night 2 into our trip (Saturday). We took him to the ER because we don't play around with his asthma. We spent most of the night there and they sent us home after steroids and a breathing treatment. The next day, he seemed better. But, on Monday (Labor Day), he came in from the pool and I could see his little tummy struggling to breathe. I looked at Tim and said, "we've gotta go... NOW". 
I couldn't find my shoes. (I had left them out by the pool). WHERE ARE MY SHOES?!!
I am starting to panic because I know that when he spirals, it is fast.
Tim and I are trying to find kids, people, stuff. It is so scary. I hope no mother ever has to deal with this and I am not going to go into the details of what happened next because I will start crying and have a panic attack... seriously.
I have to skip the details.
We prayed and sang and finally got to the Destin Hospital. They put him on oxygen. They thought he had pneumonia (he didn't). They gave him rocephin. He was allergic. He began having an allergic reaction.
They gave him an epi pen, benadryl, oxygen, etc...
 I was ALONE. 
"Fear not, for I am with you."

Tim was in the car with the other children.

I was ALONE.
"Fear not, for I am with you."

I was begging God to save him.
I wasn't crying.
I was terrified.
I was ALONE.

"Fear not, for I am with you."
They said we have to go by ambulance to Pensacola.
I was covered in puke.
I was ALONE.
"Fear not, for I am with you."
I was scared.
I wasn't crying.
Lake and I are taken by ambulance while Tim goes back to get all the children's things.
The ambulance is almost in a wreck at a red light.
Lake is on oxygen.
"Fear not, for I am with you."

I am terrified.
I am praying.

We arrive at the Pensacola Children's hospital.
Tim and the children check into the Ronald McDonald house.
The only word that keeps going through my head is...


"Jesus you are LOGOS.
You are LOGIC.
You speak order into chaos."

I don't eat, sleep, or shower for 3 days. I watch Lake breathe. I hold his oxygen mask for him.
I sleep beside him. We sing. He plays the piano.
We have a Christian nurse. I tracked down my pediatrician (in Wyoming on vacation) for help.
Lake says "Momma, God is working this together for good".
He ministers to me.
His faith is proved genuine.
Not sure if mine is.
His faith was so valuable to me. 
It was more precious than gold to God.

I am weary from trial.
I am weakened by fear.
I am thankful for every breath.

Jehovah Sabaoth delivered us out of that hospital. I am so grateful that we both entered back into "the land of the living". God is good.

I have struggled to deal with the post-traumatic aftermath. I always go into a dark place after the dust settles and I have. The only way I could find peace was to sleep by Lake listening to his lungs with a stethoscope.
I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. I had no idea how terrifying it would be to place my children at the feet of Jesus. I don't know why. I know He is good. He has never failed me.
My heart is fragile. I am thankful God is leading me gently. He doesn't expect us to go through life emotionless. He is an emotional God. I love that Jesus cried. I love that He was a man of many sorrows. He understands and never expects us to cruise through trial without shedding a tear. Broken hearts do not mean weak faith. I think it could mean the opposite. My whole heart is living inside each of my children. I can't imagine how much God loves us and how He hurts when we suffer.

We saw miracles. God sent help from the sanctuary. A new Christian guy was reading his Bible at a park bench. ( I had switched with Tim during Lake's hospital stay so he could spend time with Lake and I could spend time with the other children.) I took the other 4 to a nearby playground. 
I began talking to the guy reading his Bible. He said he became a Christian a year or so ago and that He came to that playground bench everyday during his lunch break to read his Bible.
I told him why we were in Pensacola. I could see compassion in his eyes. He asked if he could pray for our family and for Lake. It was the most beautiful, sincere prayer. Not wordy, not fancy, no lofty words. Just a son talking to his Father and asking for help. 
God really used him. He was so excited to be used by God. 

An elderly couple came up to us at Ruby Tuesdays right after Lake was discharged and said, 
"I can see you are Christians. We have been watching you. Your family blesses us. Can we pray for you?". 
He began to pray over us and for God to heal Lake of his asthma. We had CHURCH in Ruby Tuesdays with this beautiful couple. The elderly man was dying of cancer. 
We prayed for them. 
We were all crying. 
I told the man, "I'll meet you in the clouds." 
He said, "I'll meet you half way".

My children have seen miracles. Their faith is growing because it is already being tested. They are growing through hardship. We are all being taught the Word of God through TSTS (the School of Trial and Suffering). I tell the boys that the Bible says, 
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
James 1:12

Reece said, "wow. Lake is going to have a lot of crowns".

After my adrenaline plummeted, I was left with anxiety out the roof. 
So, what did I find in my bedroom right beside Hope and Crew one morning? 
Yep, a snake. 
Yep, in my bedroom.
 I called Tim at work. I told his Pam at his front desk to go get him because there was a snake in our bedroom. He was in the middle of a filling. Pam went in and said, "You have to go home now. There is a snake in your bedroom!". Tim looked at his patient and said, "Um, I will be right back. I have to go kill a snake. Don't worry, I just live around the corner." So he leaves the guy in the chair and is home in 5 minutes. He caught the snake with gloves and I said "Cut it's HEAD OFF". He did. It's nasty headless body kept moving for like 45 minutes. GROSS. 
I took it to the nature center and said, "Can you please tell me what this is and HOW IT GOT IN MY BEDROOM!?!??". They weren't happy when they saw it's head had been chopped off. She told me it was a rat snake and next time to put it in a jar and bring it to them. Um, yeah, right. At that moment, I realized how creative our God is because how could 2 women be so VERY DIFFERENT? She loves snakes. I hate snakes. She wants to save snakes. I want to kill snakes. 
I went home and turned my room and closet upside down looking for more snakes. Tim patched the tiny crack under our sink that he thought it came through.

"do not give the devil a foothold."  Eph 4:27
 Needless to say, I am ALERT.
"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."
1 Peter 5:8
 I am constantly looking for more snakes. I pray for God to protect me and the kids every time I go to bed now. I was reading about how God sent snakes into the Israelite's camp as a punishment for the their complaining. 
I grabbed Lake's hand and repented on the spot for complaining
My attitude changed FAST. I am a THANKFUL girl now. No complaining for me. Lesson learned. 

I am having nightmares about snakes, panic attacks about Lake's asthma, and overall just STRUGGLING to walk by faith and not fear. When I walk in my room and think I am going to get attacked by an anaconda, I think to myself... "nope. I walk by FAITH... not fear". Then, something touches my foot or my ankle and I am attached to the ceiling like a cat. My heart is so fragile. I love my children so much. It is a very vulnerable feeling when you truly realize God controls their breaths and you don't.

So, I remind myself over and over again. 
"because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else." Acts 17
He is the "PRINCE/ AUTHOR of LIFE"  Acts 3:15

I have to trust Him. 

In this world, we will have trouble but, TAKE HEART, He has overcome the world.

Now, I want to write about things that are praiseworthy...
I went on my first date with Hope night before last. She is one cool chick. She loves balls. She loves the things her brothers love. We ate a slice of cookie cake together in the mall. Everybody loves her. I am super DUPER intimidated by how she will look at me to be her example in being a godly woman. 
She is very confident. She is playing soccer this year. She is 2 years old playing on the Under4 Team. I am pretty sure she is the only 2 year old out there. She dominated tonight. She is a ball player. She was born wanting the ball. She was screaming at Reece's goalie from the sidelines "NO HANDS!!!".
People think she learned it from her brothers but they aren't this way. They have all been more timid. None of us are really sure what to think of her. She shatters every stereotype. She is really good at sports yet she REALLY likes shoes. Remind you of someone, mom?

Crew-Buddy is a dreamboat. I just could eat him up. He has 6 teeth. He loves to dance. He LOVES balls like his sister. His brothers love to put a plastic potato on his head when he falls asleep in the car and call him, "Mr. Potato Head". We all laugh every time. He is a gift to our whole family. 

Evan and Reece are joined at the hip. They are the best of friends. 
They laugh at each other's jokes... Build legos for HOURS... Are doing 4th grade together...wrestle.
Their personalities are like mine and Tim's. Reece is dependable, straight-laced, keep-it-in-the-lines, perfectionist and Evan is a creative-free-spirit-nut who loves to entertain so they love being together. Just like Tim and I do. Very different but a perfect fit somehow. 
Lake is always with them too but I am trying to spend one-on-one time with him. He is super smart. He is reading. He loves to draw maps with different colored pens.

Tim and I are growing. We are both growing in the Lord so our marriage is strengthening. Times of crisis are hard on us because we can't relate to each other's feelings. It forces me to Jesus because He is the only one who understands what I need and how I am feeling. Single girls, when you get married... YOU DON'T STOP NEEDING JESUS. You will always need Jesus. Now (before you are married) and everyday (after you get married). 

I am excited as I see God doing miracles through the power of His Word. I have asked God to use my life as a geyser for His pure Living Water. I want to be a vessel for Him. If you have never gotten anything from reading my blog over the years, GET THIS...

God will meet you there. Yes you can understand it! The Holy Spirit will teach it to you. 
Please stop reading books. Especially if you are a new Christian. You don't have the discernment you need.
It is so hard to discern through all these blogs, sermons, and books. Skip it! Let God Himself teach you through His Word. He wants to speak DIRECTLY to you!! He wants to set you FREE. He has the keys to unlock your prison. Whatever it may be.

His Word is our hope. It is our lamp in this dark world. It is our sword. It is our LIFE.
Join us Sunday nights at 9 pm as we study the book of John together.
 No books... just the Word. You don't need anyone to teach you. His anointing will teach you as you begin to read the Bible for yourself. 

"Take my yoke upon you and LEARN FROM ME, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matt 11:29

"As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit--just as it has taught you, remain in him" 1 John 2:27

"But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things" John 14:26

"I have not departed from your laws, for YOU YOURSELF have taught me." Psalm 119:102
"Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jer 29:13


"seek peace and pursue it."
Ps 34:14

I find peace in prayer. 
I find peace in the Psalms.
I find peace at the dinner table with our whole family. 
I find peace in teaching my kids the Word. 
I find peace in dancing in the kitchen with Lake. 
I find peace in watching the kids play soccer. 
I find peace laying in bed listening to Tim read the Bible over me. 
I find peace in nature.
I find peace in knowing that God is good and He has a perfect plan for my life and the lives of my children.

Be Blessed~

"We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him."
1 John 5:18

"The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen." 2 Tim 4:18

"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock."
Psalm 27:5

(If you know a girl who needs to know how MUCH God loves her, get her to this conference...

1 comment:

J b S said...

It was so nice meeting you at the pool in Rosemary Beach. Thank you for being so encourgaing, raw, and honest in your fight for your family and for the Kingdom. I enjoy reading your blog and look forward to tuning into your Sunday night study. Thank you for always sharing TRUTH.