Suffering

I have spent much of the last days in tears, crying over suffering. Mainly, the suffering in my own life that comes with a horrible chronic illness that just won't go away no matter how hard I pray. But, also for so many others who are suffering. Last night near midnight, I held the hand of a precious lady on the brink of death whose fever was nearing 104. I prayed for God to intervene and bring her fever down as they came to wheel her into the ICU. Praise God, her fever came down but she is still fighting for her life.

I have cried for moms who have blogs filled with the grief of losing a child that absolutely break my heart. I am reminded of a man in a wheelchair at Wal-Mart who I want to hug and talk about heaven with. The orphans in orphanages where no one holds them or sings lullabies to them. The hospitals are FILLED with stories of suffering. The number one prescribed medicine in our country is an anti-depressant because of the millions of people who are sad and hurting. Single moms. Broken marriages. Wars. Addictions. The list of suffering could go on forever it seems.
But, what is troubling me more is the fact that our new President is ushering in evil as fast as possible. His first moves as President have been to change the laws about marriage and abortion.

It is very clear in scripture where God stands on these issues.

Marriage between a man and a woman is an example to the world of Christ's love for His bride, The Church. Who do you think wants that to be destroyed? Why attack marriage? Because there is so much POWER in a Christian marriage as it shouts the truth about Christ's love. I, personally, think that a marriage centered on Christ is the closest thing to heaven on earth. Of course, the enemy doesn't want people to know about something so sacred, so pure, so marvelous. Satan will do whatever he can to destroy it BECAUSE OF ITS POWER.

The protective floodgates holding back sin are being unlocked which means more suffering is coming. Our country has been protected, blessed and prosperous by making it's laws based on God's laws. It is more than frightening to see the speed in the decline of morality. There is a passage that makes me think of where we are as a nation...

“But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and stopped up their ears. They made their hearts as hard as flint and would not listen to the law or to the words that the Lord Almighty had sent by his Spirit through the earlier prophets. So the Lord Almighty was very angry. ‘When I called, they did not listen; so when they called, I would not listen,’ says the Lord Almighty. ‘I scattered them with a whirlwind among all the nations, where they were strangers. The land was left so desolate behind them that no one could come or go. This is how they made the pleasant land desolate.’ ” Zech 7:11-14

It is so ironic to me that there are so many parties and celebrations for our new leadership with beautiful gowns and dancing while the cries from the unborn go purposely unheard. And so much talk about HOPE. Don't get me wrong... I am so excited that we have a black President and how he represents healing for so many and I do have much respect for how he has defied the odds and come so far but he is blatantly going against the Word of God and because of that I am fearful for our nation. There are so many warnings in scripture about lawlessness. There is one thing I believe he is going to be true to his word and that is that he will bring 'Change'. But I don't believe it is the 'Change' people are chanting for.

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Anyway, I didn't intend to write about my feelings about our country... just suffering. Suffering is tough. It is inevitably coming in to each of our lives to one degree or another. Where do we turn when our health gives way, our child gets sick or our marriage crumbles? Where do we turn when our country turns its back on God and consequences follow?

Does this mean we throw in the flag of surrender and collapse in defeat or bury our heads in fear? No way. We will always have hope. Not the hope that the world gives... TRUE HOPE.
True hope comes from God. Hope in HIM. He IS our hope. Did you know that we have hope stored up for us in heaven? "...faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven." Col 1:5 I love thinking about that because in crisis situations-- I need some of my 'heaven hope'. I am using some of my heaven hope now as a matter of fact. You see, we can never run out because it is kept for us in heaven. There is never such a thing as a hopeless situation. I also love it when it says, "O prisoners of hope..." in Zecheriah. I love that thought that we are prisoners of hope. There is no way we cannot have hope as children of God. Did you get that? We don't just have hope. As believers, HOPE HAS US. (He has us) So cool.

I embarrassingly wrote about telling God, "I don't want what you want, I WANT WHAT I WANT!". I wish I could say I have moved far, far from that selfish girl on the beach who God graciously deals with in her rants but I still scream the same thing about my current health situation. I know that anything allowed into my life is for my good and my sanctification, preparing me for ministry, allowing me to have more compassion and fruit in my life.. but I still yell when the healing doesn't come... "I WANT WHAT I WANT, not what you want". I am fervently praying that I would have a Christ-like heart and say (and mean with all my heart), "Not my will, but YOURS be done". It is the polar opposite of the natural cry of my heart. I want healing, I want more kids, I want MY DREAMS on MY SCHEDULE. But, as God allows my suffering to continue, I run to Him and He meets me. He gives me "treasures in darkness and riches stored in the secret places" (Is 45:3). He summons me by my name to enter into His presence as He gently removes the dross and the filth and makes me more like His Son. He is faithful in suffering and doing a great work that we cannot see. He doesn't enjoy watching us suffer. He is coming to rescue us from this place of suffering.

And not only is He coming, He is here. Living in each of us who have invited Him into our hearts and to be Lord in our lives. The Bible says He holds us by His right hand. I imagine a Father holding his child as He learns to walk...

"Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:10

"For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee." Isaiah 41:13

This post is just a journal of my heart right now. I am really struggling with my health. It has spiraled down in the last week after I was so hopeful I was getting better. "Deferred hope" really does break your heart. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" Proverbs 13:12

The elders at our Church will be praying over me tomorrow.

"Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord." James 5:14

Pray for a miracle. I am weary and cannot imagine more treatments. I need God to intervene. I know this seems crazy from the outside because I don't look sick. There is no outward evidence of joint pain and headaches except my tears to Tim and my friends. This is still a bad dream to me. I cannot believe I have been through the torment I have and it continues on year after year. I do not like talking about this on the blog but I need your prayers and want you to know that life on the other side of this computer is far from perfect.

Please don't leave me mean comments about abortion and gay marriage anonymously. I would love to talk to anyone about any of these things and show you what scripture says about the issues. God loves you. And, if I can pray for you, please email me. I would love to pray for you.

I am sorry I am sad and not my upbeat self. Life is just heavy these days.

Here is a verse that always encourages me no matter what is happening...

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;"

Isaiah 43:1-3

**that weird clip at the end is a VERY OLD video of Reece's first hair cut. I don't know why it always adds the 1 second of an old video on the end. In current life, Tim's arm is still very broken.