Friday, July 10, 2009

8 weeks **Updated**

**I have been asked about my health related to the baby.
My situation is far from normal. For those unfamilir with Lyme Disease, it is a bacterial infection that you get from a tick bite (usually, but research continues on other means of transmission). It is not necessarily a strong bacteria, it's just hard to get to it with the antibiotcs, it hides well, and so is difficult to kill. I am back on antibiotics to protect the baby from passing the bacteria to the baby. My NY drs said there has NEVER been a case where baby gets sick if mom is on antibiotics. So, of course, I chose to go back on them. Certainly it is a complicating factor in a pregnancy, and we wouldn't have chosen this timing for a baby, but God has given us this life in the midst of everything and we are trusting His control, protection, and direction for the course of our lives...but this wasn't our idea...so to speak.
My Lyme symptoms are back with a vengance (headaches, joint pain in jaws, knees, fingers.. everywhere). When I was pregnant with Lake I seemed to go into remission. This time I haven't (yet). Everything aches like I just finished the first week of military boot camp.
This has been very difficult to deal with as I am 4 years into this and God has not chosen to heal me. I got VERY sick 3 weeks after I had Lake and had to stop breastfeeding (bc it can also be passed through breastmilk and the medications go through breastmilk). Tim pretty much took care of Lake for the first 6 months of his life because I was too sick to do it and I had to go back on IV medication. I had a 4 week old and an IV pumping crazy amounts of antibiotics into my heart for 9 weeks.
Instead of nursing and enjoying my new baby, I was simply trying to survive.
It was a very, very dark time in my life... Hearing my baby cry in the night but being unable to get up, having my milk drop when he cried but fixing him a bottle of formula instead.
The things I complained about before this illness happened to me were so stupid.
Now, I have really bad nausea. I woke up puking in my bed last night (nice) and unable to breath because of the dry-heaving. Life is very overwhelming right now.
This is why I haven't blogged. I don't have a lot of happy news to report... OTHER THAN GOD IS GOOD.
I continue to wait on the Lord for healing. I KNOW He allowed this illness into my life so it has to be for my good. It could have very easily been stopped--- and it wasn't.
As the years go by and the promises I believe God has given me move further away in the horizon, I will not stop believing.
Believing that God is good.
Believing that God is faithful.
Believing the power of the gospel.
Believing that He still heals and does miracles.
Believing that He makes us more into the image of Christ through suffering.
Believing that God is the Father of Compassion and hurts with us.
Believing that in our weakness He is made VERY strong.
Believing that He can redeem years that have been stolen from us through suffering.
Believing the blessed hope that THIS IS NOT MY HOME.
My heart feels hurt sometimes not understanding why God continues to allow so much suffering in my life. But I have to focus on not what is SEEN but what is UNSEEN.
2 Corinthians has really ministered to me these days....
"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.
He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us..."
2 Cor 1:8-10
"For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Cor 4
So, now you know a little more about why I haven't been blogging. This is HARD. Just like your lives are HARD. Satan is hard at work trying to destroy our faith. I have many lies thrown my way like,
"God didn't protect you from getting sick, why do you call Him faithful? He hasn't been faithful to you."
"You have been trusting in your 'promises' from God for 4 years now. Give up."
"Prayer is useless."
"There is no one to help. You lose. Check Mate."
"Non-Christians are more blessed than you. And you think your heavenly Father loves you and desires to give you all things? Look what He has done to you."
So, how do we respond when these lies come. They are VERY easy to believe.
Get in the Word.
It is our only hope. Our sword. The renewing of our minds. THE TRUTH.
Another powerful tool I have spoken of before is Praise Music.
I have found a fun new Christian singer I really like named Sarah Kelly.
Her music is fun-funky-cool worship music.
I hate my situation. Believe me, I do. If I could change it, I would. But, I have to rest in the love of God. It is what quiets my heart...
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zeph 3:17
So, I continue to focus on what is unseen. Not what is seen.
(and dream about my holding my baby)
****************************************************************
I had an OB appointment today. I got to hear this precious baby's heartbeat and see him/her on ultrasound. I have been very nauseous with this pregnancy. Way more than any other. I wondered if it was twins again (Lake had a twin) but this time it is only one sweet one. I am due in February.
I still can't believe this is truly happening.
These last few weeks have been very hard for me. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically. I am having to walk out further in trusting God. It feels as though I am on a limb that could snap at anytime when in reality it is On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand. :)
It may be a while before I am back to my 'normal-posting-self'. Please continue to pray for God to heal me completely and to protect the life of this child.
Also, pray for Tim's sister as she is getting closer and closer to meeting her little Emily. Pray that she will weigh more than 5 lbs when she is born so they can donate some of her organs to a child who needs them.
"From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise..."
Psalm 8:2

18 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Hey Stephanie! I'm fairly new to blogging and came across yours by chance (or was it? ;) ). I wish I had know about the yard sale for AAA Women's Center...I would have been there with bells on since you live close. (I'm in Dayton.)

Congratulations on the pregnancy! How exciting. I want you to know that I will be praying for you. God is in control. I hope your blogging doesn't slow down too much...you are such an inspiration to me. :)

Erin Cabell said...

hang in there. i wish i was closer to help with those sweet boys of yours! hearing the heartbeat makes everything so much more "real". it is truly amazing the gift we are given as women - the ability to carry a life and then love and nurture that individual...praying continually that we are doing the right things, teaching, nurturing, doing God's will.

Erin said...

Praying for you sweet friend.

lots_of_love_four_kids said...

Steph! WOW! How exciting!

I will be continuing to keep you in my prayers.

God hears and answers all of our prayers in His time.

take care sweetie!

Astrid said...

Stephanie,
I am so excited for you. I've been meaning to comment for many days but don't get to anything it seems. I'm sorry you're so nauseous. Maybe that's because it's a girl:) We're praying for you guys. Congratulations!!!

Bonnie said...

Thank you for sharing so openly and eloquently what you are going through. Your unwavering trust in God continues to be a mighty inspiration.

Erin said...

I hurt for you that you are hurting so. I am so glad you are in the Word and renewing your hope-don't forget, you taught me that the Bible says we have hope stored up for us in Heaven. You will never run out! Praying for you all the time. Can you take Zofran with your antibiotics? I know it can be a life-saver for nausea.

gillian said...

it breaks my heart to hear of the pain you're experiencing and at the same time it warms my heart to hear of the hope and the joy you have in Him! You're such a blessing and inspiration, praying for you!

Julie said...

Oh Steph - I had wondered about your health but hadn't yet asked. I have been praying for you...for your health, for this baby, for your heart as you go through this. I wish I could do more...just know I am here for you!

"Hope is what happens as long as we breathe..." Just keep breathing....

Hugs and prayers from Indiana!

HIS Child said...

Steph,

I pray for you constantly. Never give in to the lies that Satan tries to speak. You are HIS daughter, and life has been bestowed upon you. God bless and keep you and your family. Much love and protection comes your way from the great I AM.

Love ya,
Celeste

Stacy said...

I have so missed your blog posts...I was afraid your absence meant you were struggling. I will be praying for you. I, too, am going through a tough, painful time right now that leaves me with little energy or desire to blog.

Life is just hard for everyone, isn't it?

Praying for your whole family...

B said...

Stephanie,
Your blog is one of very few (4) I follow. On my bookmark bar, it's noted not by its actual title or by your name, but by one word: BELIEVING.

Amen.

Marina said...

Lots of love and prayers. God is faithful and has always been!

Amanda said...

Thinking of you and praying for you and that precious life you are carrying...

~cassie~ said...

Praying for you...

Heather said...

Praying peace, understanding, and HEALING your way!

The Sandefurs said...

Hey there. Have commented a few times before. Found you on my friend Trinity's blog. (I go to church w/ her). I am an RN and have worked L&D for over 7yrs, thus I am intrigued on a scientific level when you explain Lyme Dx. Pregnancy and Childbirth is always an amazing miracle and never gets old for me; thus why I have devoted my career to it! I currently work two nights a wk at Women's East and just wondered who you see for your care and where you will deliver. Feel free to email if you want....jaimesandefur@hotmail.com

May you realize your miracle ever so soon! Praying for you!

PS SOOOO looking forward to the girls' beach trip at your place that we have scheduled this fall! Yeah! :) It looks beautiful!

Missy Bradley said...

Stephanie, I am praying for your complete healing, for your growing baby, and for your entire family. You are a special person and a true inspiration to anyone who reads your blog. I have so enjoyed listening to your worship music while I work - thanks for sharing it. Hugs, Missy