Natural Delivery? I don't want to talk about it.

So, I will write...

I decided long ago that I was determined to have Hope without an epidural. There were many reasons for this decision. The main one was that I have had a botched spinal tap that caused a hole in my spinal column, caused all the spinal fluid to leak out of my spine which resulted in electric headaches and I couldn't get up off the floor. I layed flat on my back in my bed for 5 days praying for God to heal the hole without being able to move AT ALL due to the headaches. I could feel the weight of my brain in my head because there was not spinal fluid around it. I ended up having a surgery called a patch procedure done where they take blood out of your arm and let it coagulate and then go back into your spinal column and patch the hole. It took 6 months for my back to stop hurting from that. That was when Reece and Bubba were tiny babies.

So, I have a healthy fear of needles in my spine now. I thought to myself, "this is baby #4. I am strong from working out. How hard can it be?". I asked my sweet friend who is a massage therapist if she would help me during delivery. We met once and went through a strategy and talked about breathing. I didn't have a birth plan. But I had worship music and tons of Scripture.

I wanted to go into labor naturally but with Tim's job and the fact that we don't have family in town, I finally just decided to go ahead and get the ball rolling for convenience. Tim's mom and dad were here. My mom was here and it was Saturday so Tim didn't have to worry about work.

I was 5 cm and 80% effaced and I was having irregular contractions. I did every natural thing to cause myself to go into labor on Friday. Eggplant, Black and Blue Cohosh, Red Raspberry Tea, breast pump, walking, etc...My doctor said he could break my water and that it should be enough to send me into labor. I will never know if this was the best decision but it was the one Tim and I made so I just have to let it go.
I didn't sleep at all Friday night due to nerves and contractions and Tim, mom and I headed to the hospital Saturday morning at 6 am. My doctor broke my water around 8:30 am. He said if the contractions didn't start, he would have to do low doses of pitocin. I know enough about pitocin to know to stay FAR away from it if you don't have pain meds. So, I started walking the halls trying to get my contractions to start. We walked and walked and walked and walked. Slowly the contractions started. They weren't really painful and I would giggle through them while Tim and I held hands waving at the nurses. It was fun and romantic just to be with Tim walking the halls and squeezing his hand through contractions.

My friends started to arrive. Val and Suzy (who I always say I COULD NOT DO LIFE WITHOUT), Tim's mom and dad, Jennifer, Robin (my doula). We talked and laughed and spent a beautiful time in prayer. Diana (my amazing friend who just happens to be a photographer) showed up around 12:30. It was like a big slumber party with my friends. The sun was shining through the windows. There was snow on the ground outside. The contractions were manageable.

Life was good.

Tim and I kept walking and walking as the contractions started to increase in strength. At 2:30, she checked me and said I was at 8cm and 90% effaced. I was so happy because it really wasn't that bad. So, I decided to rest some. When I sat, the contractions slowed so I sat and talked with the girls for about 2 hours. I was still having a great time thinking what's so bad about this??

Tim and I started walking the halls again. The contractions were starting to get painful but still made me laugh. I would just curl my toes, breathe and keep walking through them. I decided to have the nurse check me around 5:30 pm to see what was happening. THIS IS WHERE THINGS STARTED TO UNRAVEL.

She, checked... and checked... and checked. It was painful. She said, "I am so sorry I am having a really hard time finding your cervix". After what seemed like and hour (but I am sure was just about a couple minutes), she said "no change- still 8 cm and 90%" and walked away. Mom and I weren't convinced she knew because I felt as if things had changed.

Then, within minutes, I could feel my body going into a whole new level of labor. All of the sudden, things were no longer funny. I didn't want a big party any more. I wanted the music turned off and needed to just lie in bed looking at the black box thing on the ceiling. Thinking I was still at 8, I wasn't too concerned but I certainly wasn't laughing through the contractions anymore and I was really having to TRY to breathe through them... pushing against Tim's hand as he pushed against mine while my doula was reading Scripture to me. Things were taking a turn in my body and I knew it. I quickly decided I didn't want to do this anymore. I wanted meds. It was getting too painful. After a few REALLY hard contractions, I began feeling lots of pain and pressure. A type of pain I had never felt before. Like my body was catching on fire and about to explode.

The only Scripture that I really remember hearing was this one...

"Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?” says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9

My doctor was not at the hospital. The nurse was suppose to call him when I was getting close. I love my doctor. He seems like part of our family because this is my 4th baby with him in 6 years.

We have a really cool relationship and I knew everything would be OK as soon as he got there to help me.

The pain is now so intense (I don't have the vocabulary to describe this pain) that I started to scream.... "No! No! No!... I canNOT do this! Help me... somebody please help me." I soon began to realize there was no one to "help" except the Lord. I have never cried out to God like I did in that hospital room last night.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." Ps 84:2

My doula and Tim were amazing. I had asked everyone else to leave. My mom was listening to me scream in the hall and crying her eyes out. My mom DOES NOT cry. It was B A D. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "NO! NO! HELP ME God, please HELP ME!" over and over and over. I thought I was going to die.

"At this my body is racked with pain, pangs seize me, like those of a woman in labor"

Isaiah 21:3

I cannot believe Tim still loves me after what he saw last night. All 9 of us have a mild case of post traumatic stress disorder now thanks to me. My mom told me today that it is the worst thing she has ever gone through in all of her life-- listening to me scream in pain. My friend Suzy actually started a blog today after hearing me cry out to God in such pain. The blog is great. Kind of embarassing that I put my friends and family through so much psychological distress.

Read her blog if you have time!!

http://ashes2beauty-suzy.blogspot.com/

I used to not understand how people who had been in a war and gone through traumatic events suffered PTSD 40 years later. Now, I DO.

I had a bucket in front of me because the pain was making me so nauseous. The nurse came in and said I need to check you and I said in sheer and absolute panic, "THE BABY IS COMING!!!". She said, "I will go call the doctor". I could feel Hope coming out and I still had pants on. I was gripped with pain and could not even begin to take them off. Tim took them off for me (I think- that is what he told me. I don't remember). My hair was all in my face and I wanted to put it in a pony tail so bad but I couldn't do anything except scream.

I remember Tim trying to pull my hair back. I was sweating. I wanted to lay back in the birthing position but I couldn't move.

The nurse was gone 2 seconds and realized there was no time. She buzzed a button and said "Find Dr ?? and get him in here now!". At just about that time, baby's head appeared. No doctor. No prep. Me, Tim and the doula were delivering my sweet baby. I was SCREAMING. If I could have unzipped myself out of my body and run away or knocked myself out, I would have. I have never and will never go through anything that physically painful again. I was so scared. There was no doctor. I was begging God to help me. My friends praying in the hall.

And then, out came Hope. On the bed. No doctor (revision-Tim says a dr came in as baby was coming out- I don't remember that). No one telling me to push. I really don't remember anything at that point. I honestly think I was in a clinical state of shock. I have never felt so scared and helpless in all of my life.

The "doctor" the nurse had dragged in there (I have no idea who this guy was. He may have been the front desk man for all I know) came in with a stunned look on his face. He helped with the post-delivery stuff. I was still in insane amounts of pain. I was sick. I was too weak to even look at my baby much less hold her.

Baby Hope had made her grand entrance and WOW was it grand.

She was beautiful. Bright eyed, peaches and cream skin, perfect while her mommy looked like she had been hit by an 18 wheeler.

She was not squished or blotchy at all because she flew through the birth canal so fast.

They kept trying to get me to hold her but I couldn't. Too weak. Too sick. In shock.
With the boys, this (delivery)was a special time. With Hope, I could not enjoy my first minutes or even hours with her. I am still trying to process something so traumatic and my nerves are still shot. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER consider another med-free child birth. I will never recommend one without warning. It was horrible.

I don't mean to sound so negative but I need to write how I feel before the post-baby amnesia kicks in. I know some people love natural childbirth but I am not one of them.

Working through contractions all the way up to 10?? No problem.

15 minutes of the Ring of Fire and birthing the baby???

UNBEARABLE/ SCARRING/ EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY W.R.O.N.G.

I am starting to regain my sense of humor though.

I told my mom and sister that it reminds me of when I watched the Little House on the Prairie episode where the blind school burns down as a little girl. I was so traumatized by it, mom said I just rocked in a rocking chair staring at the wall for hours and hours. That is kind of where I am now.

I have also decided that Eve is not in heaven. If she is, I am going to tackle her.

If I ever wondered if God's Word was absolutely 100% true (which I really haven't), not any more. What God says is TRUE...

"To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children." Gen 3:16

Tim's sister had a cool perspective about natural labor. She said it gives you a greater appreciation for the pain and suffering Jesus Christ went through (ultimately that He chose)to give YOU life. I would have done anything to get out of that room. Out of my body. Stop the pain.

Jesus chose to stay on the Cross.

For me.

For You.

Out of pure Love.

A suffering unimaginable.

Obedience and Humility on display for the World to see.

The Lamb of God.

Power under control.

I experienced a small part of the curse of sin yesterday.
He BECAME the curse for us.

He took the punishment for us.

He died in our place.

He could have called down angels or come down off the Cross and simply spoken a Word and showed His power and glory.

I had no way out yesterday.

He did.

He stayed on that Cross.

"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, "Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree."

Gal 3:13

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Hebrews 12:2

I am sitting in my hospital room alone. I am exhausted. I haven't slept in ages.

But, I am overwhelmed with God's perfect little gift that He has given us.

He has given me the desire of my heart.

He has given me another baby.

He has given me Hope.

She is healthy.

She is beautiful.

On this Valentine's Day, I have so much love in my life.

I fell in love with Tim in a whole new way yesterday.

I have 3 boys who have my whole heart.

I have a DAUGHTER to share my life with now.

But, most importantly, I have a God who loves me and demonstrates His love to me on a daily basis.

"But God demonstrates his own LOVE for us in this:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8

I hope you know how much God loves you.

Respond to His love.

"LOVE the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."

Deut 6:5

Ok! I am officially done talking about natural delivery. I am going to pretend like that never happened or I start to have an anxiety attack. If you are thinking of going natural, try it! Maybe you will jump right through that ring of fire. :) I am pretty sure your doctor will be there too.

Time to think on things that are right, noble, true, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy and excellent. And, there is a tiny little girl who likes to suck her thumb and is all of those things.

God is so good! He answers prayers and He gives His children the BEST gifts.

To the praise of His glorious grace!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:17