That conversation made me think about what God is "learning" me and... if I am thankful. Right now in my walk with God, I am learning that His plan for me is good even when it doesn't feel good. How He turns our suffering into beauty and how He is the good Shepherd who has gone before us and mapped out the safest route so that we will not be harmed by our enemy or fall off a cliff. Not only does He know the safest route, He carries us over His shoulders and holds us close to His heart as we follow Him.
When suffering happens in your life, it is so easy to question God's goodness and His ultimate control in allowing hardship into our lives. I have wrestled with these thoughts in a huge way over the last 3 years. I am going to share a little more of my story with you. Not so you will feel sorry for me but so you can understand where I am coming from when I write this post.
On July 6, 2005, I felt like I was getting the flu. My body ached, my neck was stiff and and my head was throbbing. I had chills and swollen lymph nodes. I thought, like all the other times I had been sick, that I would be well in a couple of days. Instead, I got worse. Reece was about 2 and I was nursing Bubba. I didn't have a doctor because I never needed one before then. I looked one up in the phone book. When I went to the doctor, they told me I had mono. Then the test for mono came back negative, then they told me it was something else and then something else and on and on... About 3 weeks into it, I went to the ER because my neck hurt so bad, and I was afraid it was spinal meningitis. They did a spinal tap which punctured a hole in my spinal column which I had to have a surgery to fix because all the fluid drained out from my spinal column. That fluid is the cushion for your brain, without which your brain can move around in your skull, causing horrible, shocking headaches. The story goes down hill. I didn't think I would be able to raise my boys. I begged God to let me be a mom to my boys. Still, no answers- not from God, not from doctors. I had been to Infectious Disease Doctors, Rheumatologists, Internists, Family Practice- no answers. Then I started having memory loss and was pretty much bedridden. 7 months later, we went out of state to see a specialist who tested for Lyme Disease. That is when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease that hijacked my life. Since then, I have been on antibiotics for 3 years (17 weeks of IV antibiotics) and now I am on these painful shots every week. I have flown to see the best doctor I can find in NY about 15 times.
This is a real mind battle. You, who have gone through tragedy or hardship KNOW the depths of darkness and the struggle associated with this. Is there really a plan for our lives or is that just the Sunday School answer? Let's look.