Thursday, January 29, 2009

Crazy Faith

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed... nothing will be impossible for you."
It has been an introspective couple of days. I got a call yesterday from a sweet, well-meaning girl who wanted to try and encourage me. She said things like, "What if God doesn't heal you? would you be ok with that?", "Just ask Him to show you His face and His glory and ask Him to give you peace in this instead of focusing on healing", and "Sometimes we misunderstand when we think we hear from God".
Now, I really love this person's heart because all she said is true in theory. It is good for me to ponder.
Will I still love God if He doesn't heal me? Am I seeking His face and not just His hand of healing? Am I nuts to think I will ever be healed? Is there really purpose in my suffering?
Here is my conclusion. I would rather err on the side of crazy-faith than unbelief. I would rather believe God for BIG things instead of mediocre. If I am wrong, I am wrong. No one in the New Testament just accepted their disease or sickness--- they did everything they could to get to Jesus. Remember the lady who pushed through the crowds just to touch the hem of His cloak? and the paralytic man who was lowered through the roof? These are examples of what I call crazy-faith. That is what I want.
I was doing homeschool with the boys the other day and we were studying the Ark. The book we were reading said it probably took about 120 years for Noah and his sons to build the Ark.
120 YEARS!!!! of faith based only on a promise from God and obedience to Him. That is crazy-faith.
"By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family." Hebrews 11:7
There are so many examples of this type of faith in scripture and I know it pleases God.
"...and without faith, it is impossible to please God." Hebrews 11:6
Now, I am not saying just believe and think happy thoughts in order to make yourself feel better. I am saying believe God for BIG miracles but love Him for Who He is and how He saved us from our sin by sending His Son to rescue us... unconditional on whether He chooses to change our difficult circumstances. There is a balance there and I am trying to walk the tight rope of hope for healing and unconditional faith and love for my Jesus.
I am back on what I call "antibiotic chemo". It is awful. It is hard for me to get out of bed and it tears my stomach to pieces. I can't imagine months and months of this but I have already done it for 3 years so I know it is possible. I am willing to FIGHT for my healing because so much hangs in the balance.. homeschool, ministry, more children. I cannot surrender to this.
I don't like to talk about how this has affected my life. It has been a nightmare. It has changed me so much. I used to jog everyday, work out all the time. There was nothing I could not do. I truly feel that God has spared me from what could have happened by getting me to a doctor 7 months into this. I never got as sick as the people in this video because we figured it out within a year. I actually never felt like I belong in this 'sick person category' because I am the daughter or a King who has stored up hope for me in heaven. Still, I have lived through more agony and suffering during these last 4 years that I ever knew was possible. I have been on 3 years of oral antibiotics, 17 weeks of an IV that I had in 24-7 while raising two toddlers and (unexpectedly) pregnant (Praise God for Lake's health!), I have had probably 30 or 40 intramuscular shots that hurt so bad they make having a baby sound fun, I have left my babies to travel to NY alone about 15 times, I had a spinal tap gone wrong that required surgery, etc... the list could go on and on but you get the point... IT IS BAD.
Tim is more than amazing to have fought for me through this. He is my knight in shining armor that goes before his damsel in distress. His love for me blows my mind. He really is such a picture of Jesus to me.
I like to live in denial and pretend like this horribly humbling thing never happened to me. I dream of a day when I can just be a normal mom who isn't always sick and when all I have to think about are dumb things like buying a pair of new boots. But this is a real problem and I want you all to be aware. If you or your children get a tick bite, get on an antibiotic immediately. Demand it from your doctor. You are probably fine but it won't hurt to take an antibiotic to cover your bases. I hope and pray God completely heals me. I feel like I am getting close. I am thankful we have the resources to get to the best doctors. Please continue to pray for us (the doctor) to have wisdom in how to proceed. Thank y'all so much. I wish this wasn't real but it is and I never want it to happen to anyone I know.
I have made many promises to you, and My Word is true. What I have spoken will come to pass. Jesus has come that you may have life, and have it to the fullest! In fact, My beloved, every good and perfect gift is from Me. It originates with Me and passes to you through My Son.
I have given you very great and precious promises. Through these promises you may participate in My divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. Everything you need for life and godliness is available to you through My Son. Through faith in Him, You will be able to have a life that represents My heart.
Be assured that I am faithful. I do not change My mind later regarding My promises. I do not say first "yes" and then later "no". I am faithful to you! What I have promised, I will provide.
So rejoice in My promises like one who finds great spoil. Believe My promises and sing praises to My name. You will see their fulfillment because, through faith in My Son Jesus, you believe them. My Word is true!
1 Sam 15:29, Ps 106:12, 119:162, 145:13, Jn 10:10, 2 Cor 1:19-20, Gal 3:22, Jas 1:17, 2 Pet 1:3,4
(from my Worship Bible)
Here is a video of our life. I love every single day I get to be a mom to my boys! Lake has been a little under the weather the last few days. He actually wants me to hold him though so that is fun for me since normally I can't catch him.


Jill said...

So many things I could say...awesome reading by Bubba...what a boy with God's word hid in his heart...and Lakey...oh my goodness that is a picture of snuggling...and that pacie, it makes me weak in the knees to be that onto that post...Girl you rock! I love your faith. I love your attitude. I want your story to be known by thousands to see, hear and know the awesomeness of our God. I love how you are seeing God and who He is to you...and not just His healing power...I know how my heart feels when I get the hug or kiss because of something my kids want and then when I get it out of pure is precious. I have no answer, I only have a sisterhood of a burden. I have someone who I think of when I hear the weather report, because boys need exploring time. I am thankful for you, like the woman who did touch the hem of His garmet,centuries of women have gathered strength from her, you are a woman of her category for such a time as this.

Anonymous said...

I am crazy faith right here with ya...your day is coming!!!

Hayley, Loveteam

The Osborne Family said...

I believe that the Holy Spirit helps us to know what to pray for and helps us express the true desires of our heart to God. You keep praying for a complete, miraculous healing! If the Lord wants you to change your prayer, I believe he will give you peace that only he can give and the Holy Spirit will guide you to pray differently. Until then, pray without ceasing! We are praying for you as well!

Adrienne said...

Girl, Don't let go of that crazy faith! I love it! I am praying for you, for your health, and for your upcoming study. I hope it goes well. I got so much from that study that I will carry with me and treasure in my heart. I hope to pass it on!
Thanks Steph!